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A Little Known Fact

15 September 2006

If you’re looking to score some drugs, apparently all you have to do is walk aimlessly up and down city alleys in the middle of the night. Eventually, someone in the shadows will see you and ask, “Hey, you want some drugs?” (Whatever happened to knowing your source, I ask you? Isn’t that how this is supposed to be done? I always thought druggies would “shop local”. But what do I know, nerdy middle-ager that I am.)

Thing is, that wily American entrepreneur spirit is everywhere. Because, what, other than a serious attack of the shakes, will druggies bring with them on their midnight alley rambles?

Yes. They will bring cash. And so, in our fair city, muggings are on the rise between the hours of 12 am and 5 am.

(Actually, the Consort, who was told about this by local law enforcement [he being the current Beleaguered Lord of our neighborhood], said that “mugging-like behavior” was on the rise.
“What mugging-like behavior?” I asked.
“Well, they are bopped on the head and their money is stolen.”
“Hmmm, and how is this bopping on the head and stealing of the money different than a mugging?” I persisted.
“Yeah, it sounded like mugging to me, too,” he said. “But that’s what they kept saying, ‘mugging-like behavior’.”)

The police first sent in decoys, hoping to nab the perps in the act. But strangely enough, druggies who stand up straight and have fresh crew-cuts don’t get offered drugs on a regular basis. Who knew? (Of course, as the Consort & I agreed, if they just watched Hill Street Blues more closely, they’d’ve known that your undercover cop has to look ragged and act strung out, like Detective Mick Belker.)

Then the officers on night duty started stopping and chatting with everyone they saw on the streets during the 12-5 am time frame, getting a sense of who was out there and what they were up to.

Clearly, like American entrepreneurs everywhere, if there is too much regulation and inspection of your business, you up and move your offices to another location, where the rules for business owners are less onerous. Think U.S. Virgin Islands.

They did catch one of the perps (man, I love cop lingo). It seems that the teenage son of a police officer was attacked in a mugging-like fashion in an alley around here. But see, he’s a football player — big and strong — so he was able to turn the tables on the mugging-like aggressor, and was able to call police to the scene. (I would have two questions. One for the attacker: “You’re a newbie, right? This was your first attempt. Am I wrong?” And one for the cop’s son: “Hmmmm. And you were in the alley because … ?”

Oh, and the Consort, being tired, didn’t laugh enough when, just before falling asleep, I regaled him with this little childrens’ song adaptation. I’m sure you’ll all enjoy it much better

“Little Rabbit Foo-Foo, hopping though the alley, scooping up the druggies
…And bopping them on the head!”

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